Colin

When I first met…lets call him *Colin, he was a sarcastic, intelligent, drug addled boy who said he was ready for change. I was, at the time also optimistic about the future and change. We immidiatley bonded on the basis that we didn’t really trust anyone else.

We became partners, him fighting his addictions and me fighting self-harm and depression. Our relationship, though absent of trust, was one of the deepest most fufilling relationships I've experienced to date. We bonded over the one thing that brings peopel like us together: we were  broken.

I started getting better. I was able to look in the mirror and my bruises started to fade away to that yucky yellow color. Colin was getting better too, he had signed up for some photography classes and instead of spending his money on smack or weed he opened up a bank account and was saving up for a nice Nikon and a lense. We both began to break even on things...me on school, him on girls.

But it was short lived, it became abusive. He started doing X, and from what I hear dabbled in Heroin. This was not the Colin I knew; the Colin I knew always drew the line at needles. But like the friend I was, I stuck with him. I let him call me whenever he needed too. I remember one instance I had to get out of bed at 1am,  mapquest directions and talk him through them.

But my breaking point was when he called me one night. From a ledge. It was the scarriest goddamn hour of my life. He never told me what brought him to that, I don't really think I want to know. It was after this that I decided, that no matter how much I thought he needed me, I had to let go. This was not an easy desicion, and I still occasionally wrestle with the guilt.

But when you’ve gone through hell and back with someone, be it a death, addiction, depression or just the larger whole of your life it becomes hard to let them go. Its not a chemical dependency like drugs, but its equally as if not harder to let the person go. They become like the horcrux ring was with Dumbledore. They slowly kill you, and you allow them to do it in order to help them live. But unfortunatly more often than not they take for granted having someone like you and instead of being greatful.

But please, don't mistake my descion for lack of love. I love him (in a 100% platonic way, but love nonetheless). I wish so badly that he'd do right by himself so he could do what he wanted. It was always his dream, his one goal (other than the short lived Nikon) that he would be able to make a difference in other kids lives.

This blog was techically his idea. He said to me, I'll never forget it "I wan't  you to tell every-fucking-body how much I fucked up. I see all these kids and they're always telling me I'm the shit. Dont let them be like me Doll." 
So this is my answer to that.

As of right now, I haven't heard from Colin in three or so months. I don't know what, if any ultimate fate he has met. But I do know that he would be proud of me for doing this.

*name changed