Self- Acceptance: Swimsuits

As I stand here, contemplating my bathing suit options I have two options. Knowing that I will be in a judgement free environment (save my self-judgement) I can either wear a bikini top and shorts or a swimsuit and shorts. What to do, what to do. 


When we were on vacation last month, I was able to say "to hell with it" and wear a bikini. My therapist and I had discussed it previously and the agreement was I'd do it once. I did it three times. 


But I know that swimsuits are not exclusively my problem. They, I like to think, stress out even the supermodels among us. I mean, I've seen plenty of girls who did not seem suitable for a even a one piece swimsuit and yet they were in a bikini. Its kind of a punk thing to do when I think about it. Just saying "oh, sod it all". 


My father (and even my mother) assure me that I look fine. I mean, I have lost over 20...almost 30 pounds. I should be able to at 148ish wear a bikini and maybe not look the best...but look good and confident.


I mean, I will be the only girl there, so there will be no other bodies to compare mine to. But that means that mine will be the only one there to look at. 


I used to be the overweight (not fat, overweight) girl who was clueless about her size, and wore whatever the hell she wanted. Why now can't I be that girl? As I got older and skinnier I lost what little self-acceptance I had. I got a little back after my bikini escapade on Sanibel. But regardless, its a toughie. 


....Oh, sod it all. I'm going to be the change. I suppose it was kind of silly for me to just sit around and wait for me to suddenly be happy with my body. After all, I promised my therapist my sleeping beauty days were over.